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(c)2005-2008 Vanissa W. Chan, all rights reserved.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

i'm being vague, but this is my story.

i have had a struggle with being too personal on blogs to not knowing how to not be impersonal on blogs. so i have this weird in between, bouncing back and forth from being personable to standoffish way of writing. well, anyway. i found out something today that is very critical to my time here in new york city, and i grew nostalgic. this is what i wrote. this is sort of the biography that never appeared on this site, so, i guess in a way, it kills two birds with one stone, uhh..yeah..or something like that.

so this is a story of a girl who liked to daydream a whole lot.

she daydreamed to pass the time, waiting for the bell to ring, in the first period of the seventh grade. she was a swimmer and dreamed about becoming an olympic star. she dreamed about falling in love, and finally being seen for who she really was.

swimming took her to many places. she traveled to many great cities to compete. her daydreams would take place in the water. being immersed in the different shades of soft blue kept her imagination flowing. all kinds of ideas and stories would formulate in her head, and she would wait for practice to end, and for dinner to be over, for her to be alone at night where she could write and organize these new thoughts.

on the swimteam she made who she thought would be lifelong friends. slowly, these friends that were so accessible and familiar slowly become unrecognizable. drugs and pretension took some of them away. interests other than swimming took some more away. and soon enough, the girl found herself alone again, lost without her friends.

although lost and alone, this girl still happened to find herself in the soft blue of the water, alone in her thoughts. but soon enough, the intimate places of the mind she reached while swimming endless laps broke her heart. the nostalgia of the good times that had passed were too much, the loss of friends could no longer be ignored, and she had to take her daydreams elsewhere.

she went to the nearby university, determined to walk her own path. here she met a boy who she thought she could daydream with, and while their energies were fueled by different passions, they dreamt together for nearly three years. believing that she was finally being loved for who she really was, the girl planted a seed in her heart for the future of her and this boy. music, poetry, and art resulted in abundant amounts. their love was deep, and no matter what obstacles they came across, the girl made sure she did what she could to keep the bond strong.

and then one day, the boy broke the girl's heart. just weeks before he had spoken of proposing, and for a year's time they had spoken of marriage.

but on this one day, the boy made it very clear to the girl that he didn't want to daydream with her anymore.

so the girl moved far, far away.

and for the next few years, the girl wandered aimlessly, sometimes from boy to boy in search for the daydream she had experienced during those ten minutes before first period was over.

a few times, she thought she found it.

one boy was a fireman she'd bumped into in the dessert aisle of the grocery store.

another was a carefree, brooklyn-born italian who loved to take her shopping, make her home cooked meals, watch movies, take her out dancing, and go out to music concerts and festivals.

one boy she remained with for nine months trying to convince herself that she was something she wasn't just so she could smile brightly at how picture perfect they looked on the outside.

there was a boy who she'd met in her favorite california town who was passionate about music and sociology, whose eyes smiled when she looked into them.

all of these boys had their own daydreams, and as amazing as they were, none of them matched the daydream she was in search for since the days of her childhood.

and then one day she came upon a boy whose deep blue sea of eyes touched every nerve in her entire body and soul.

everytime she looked into them, she was mystified. she would leave his side and not be able to escape the trance he had put her in. she would close her eyes, and he would be in her daydream, as much as she tried to resist.

when they spent time together, they would not have to speak. they just needed to look at each other. and despite all the obstacles that stood between them, the girl knew that this was the boy in her 7th grade daydream.

but the obstacles were great. and sudden. and even though this was her daydream boy, and she knew it was, they had to be apart.

and forced apart they were.

they went their separate ways, and the girl suffered in their separation. (the boy did too, we assume.) to cope, she started to draw. she would stay up late at night, drawing to reduce the anxiety, but even in her creative release, it wasn't enough to save her from lovesickness.

another relationship occurred. this one, fresh, new, and wild. seemingly filling. seemingly real, and even practical. as far as she knew, the daydream that was had died with the separation from the deep-blue-eyed boy. the idea of the daydream ever materializing she realized was impossible. and she accepted it.

the girl ran away from her far, far away place that she had run to after the university heartbreak, and found herself in new york city. she had run away from her current relationship, and had run away from her family, and her past, and everything she'd ever known and written and made her own.

and she decided to start completely over. she cut ties with everyone she had ever known, and broke off her relationship. she broke off from several friendships, some the most important in her life. some, nonrecoverable heartbreaks. in a city so unquiet and congested, she craved for silence in her mind. no more daydreams, she thought. just dreams.

just real, raw dreams. not to pass the minutes of the day like she had once done, but dreams she realized needed to be materialized. armed with her insatiable passion for colors and ink, the girl who had before used her art to cope with the incomplete daydream is now utilizing it to keep a roof over her head.

the boy in the daydream will have to wait, because the girl in his daydream is busy.


  • At 11:50 AM , Blogger Tim said...

    *sigh* Vanissa, you write so poignantly. Keep it up.



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